Good morning everyone!
I’m going to be getting a little personal today so please bear with me. I’ll be going over the last few months that really made me start looking deeper into myself and made me want to change. If you have had a similar experience or would just like to share your story with someone who will listen without judgement, please do so! That’s what I am here for.
This all started November 2017. I felt like my life was just spinning out of control and I had no idea how to get things back where they should be. I had been working insane hours at my job, sometimes 13 hour days, 6 days a week. I would come home after work exhausted but I would still need to cook dinner, clean up after, pick up the house, and a number of other things all while my boyfriend sat and live-streamed video games. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a gamer and streamer myself and I love sitting and losing a couple hours to whatever I feel like playing at the time but when you only work three days a week but still can’t find time help me around the house? We have an issue. This is something that was discussed MANY MANY times before and it just wasn’t getting me anywhere.
So anyway, after constant fighting about this, that, and the other thing, I hit the breaking point. I was ready to just walk out the door but he wanted to go to couples therapy before I walked and I agreed to try. We found a local therapist and our first session went fairly well. When he initially set up the appointment, he said that our main issue was communication so that’s what we focused on. She had us try a couple things over the following week before our next session and then we’d discuss at our next appointment. Flash forward to the next week. We talked about how things were going on the communication front and we both agreed that things were a little better than before. So of course she asked if there was anything else that was going on that we wanted to talk about. And here’s where it gets crazy.
I was, of course, hesitant at first because I had never really talked about my personal life with strangers before and it was out of the norm for me. But once I got started, things just started spilling out: the fact that he had “rules” for our relationship, the double-standards, his jealousy, and all kinds of other stuff. The therapist was just dumbfounded because she thought there were only a few communication issues. She decided that the best way to work forward was for us to be seen separately, me by her and him by one of the others in the practice.
After a few single sessions with her, things really started to click into place. I always had a sense that something wasn’t entirely right with the situation but I couldn’t put my finger on it. ‘Trust your gut’ is something I learned the hard way. Turns out I was being manipulated, mentally abused, and emotionally abused by a clinically diagnosed narcissist.
At this point, we’re well into January and I just needed a break from everything so I booked a flight to Florida to visit some family and get out of the freezing cold Pennsylvania winter. While I was there, I stayed with my grandmother, step-mother, and two sisters. My step-mom happens to be a certified Metaphysical Life coach and I sat and talked with her, not so much about the details of my relationship because I just wasn’t ready to get into all of that with anyone but my therapist, but just about my life in general and how I felt empty and constantly had a home-sick feeling.
When she first staring telling me what was going on, I was only half listening because it all seemed just a little too “woo-woo” even for me. She told me that I’m a Crystal Being operating at a high vibrational frequency and most everyone else is at a way lower level and so on and so forth. But for the rest of my trip, I started looking into Crystal Beings and it was like reading a goddamn auto-biography (I promise I will get deeper into Crystal Beings and their counterparts later, I’m just laying this out right now as part of my story). All in all, the trip was a nice break from all the crazy and it helped me realize how much better and happier I could be when I don’t have to walk on eggshells constantly.
Once I was home, things between my boyfriend and I weren’t getting any better; we just went about our business and didn’t really interact with each other any more than necessary. In the beginning of May, he showed up at my job and said “We’re done” so I said that was fine and he needed to leave because I had work to do. He left but then called me 20 minutes later crying, telling me he didn’t want to break up, didn’t want to lose me, he just didn’t know what else to do. It was a song and dance he’d performed many times and this time I wasn’t having it. I told him too bad, I’ll have my stuff out of the house ASAP.
I found a cute little apartment in the next town over that was within my budget and in a decent area so I signed the lease on June 4th. Packed up all my stuff, had one of my best friends help me with all the heavy furniture and I was OUT OUT OUT! It was surreal at first; my own place, my own space to do whatever I wanted without someone else breathing down my neck, no one to question me, I was free! But I was also scared. I had never been completely on my own before and I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it.
Enter, one of my other best friends, his nickname is B. He was one of the few people I confided in during my entire jacked-up relationship with the ex so he knew what I had been/was going through. He would come over and help me unpack and organize all my stuff and he’d invite me out to dinner with him and his friends so I wouldn’t be alone. I started talking to him about all the stuff that my step-mom told me and, surprisingly, he didn’t think it was all that weird and encouraged me to get back into my research so I could get back to myself and heal.
One of the biggest struggles of these last six months was reversing and healing all the damage that had been done thanks to the mental and emotional abuse. It became easier, the longer I was away from him, to pinpoint what thought patterns weren’t “mine”. Those times when I would instantly second-guess doing or saying something because I didn’t want the reaction I used to get from him. B helped me out tremendously with that, urging me to speak my mind and not bottle things up anymore.
So now that I’m finally getting back to my old self, I plan on working to be even better. I’m going to start eating healthier, not so much to lose weight or anything so superficial, but more to nourish my body so that it has the nutrients it needs. After all, this is the body I was given to complete this Human Experience, I should keep it running to the best of my ability. No sense in living in a broken down rickety house when I have the means to fix it up as best I can! I am also going to get back into a regular yoga practice, once again to help my body be the best it can be but also to work on disciplining my mind and freeing my soul. Furthermore, I am going to dig into more reading and research into different spiritual practices. Depending on how things go, I might even look into taking classes to be a Spiritual Life Coach!
I know this has been a long and windy post, probably pretty scattered at times because it’s still hard for me to put all this out there for others to see, but that is all part of my healing process. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading! Please know that if you or anyone you know is in a similar situation, there are many many people who can help you to get out if that’s what you feel you need to do, PLEASE do not hesitate to ask someone for help if you need it!
This is where I leave you, my lovelies. Until next time: Peace, Love, and Light – Heather